It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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