i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
