piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
