OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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