Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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