She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
