I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
