i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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