we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
