tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
