Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
