Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
