I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
