he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
