don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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