forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
bring money and cleavage
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
