I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
