I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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