I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
