On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
