it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
