I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Help. Why am I so naked?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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