so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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