turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
