I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
