Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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