he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sobbing to NWA
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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