I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i'm inner monologue high
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
