i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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