I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
