I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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