I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A+ Viking dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
