i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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