Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it's like heaven, but drunker
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
