I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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