Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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