Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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