Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
