It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
