You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
