I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
