New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
