We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
