Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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