You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
