3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
