I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
