Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
