I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
