Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
